Susan Watkins -- Judgement of Orual

(Role playing exercise... Till We Have Faces)


I am Nienna, she who knows the depths of the darknesses in this world. It was I who wept with you in your utmost despair and tended your spirit in your fevers and madnesses-- it was I who cried out for you in groanings beyond words and tasted far more bitter tears than you could know. It was also I who, through such depths as we weathered, would offer you those hopes and wisdoms necessary to persevere. Never a sorrow came when I did not whisper truth to you, never a desperation when I did not tell you to lie still and be comforted. However, Orual, you rejected me in all but your very weakest moments, those moments when you came nearer to truth than you could possibly realize. You preferred sorrow to comfort, despair to hope, when these things must coexist if the darkness is not to destroy you.

And so you see, Orual, where throughout your complaint you turn away from the hope offered and always back into darkness and mourning. Orual, when you first journeyed to the Tree the very rocks cried out to you-- the gods and goddesses present at this trial were present even at that very moment-- of truth and light and hope. "Why should your heart not dance?" And you, Orual, used every power available to reject the knowledge and cast yourself once more into despair, into self-rejection. When the beauty of Psyche's lover first struck you as possible, you fled from that happy knowledge back into the desperation of believing that the world was ugly, cold. Even in hearing the joyful news of Psyche's redemption, of her being reunited with her Love, you threw away the happiness and focused only on your frustration and grief over the way the story was told. What does it matter how the story is told? One story may hold more than one truth, Orual-- of course you were not jealous out of desiring Psyche's house or lover. You were not jealous of her but rather over her, and angry because the god's house and love is so much greater than yours and you knew it had won Psyche's heart. But that, such a wonderful gift to your beloved sister!, grieved you further than anything.

How could we force you to see, Orual, when you would move to blind yourself whenever we tried? Our healings only allowed you to damage yourself further, and those around you in the process. And so I wept with you and even beyond you, for I knew there was hope and you refused to know. Still, you hardly even dare to believe it.

Orual, the despair will destroy you if you continue this way. To live in agony and hoplessness is terrible enough without further punishment-- and so all I advise is to warn you that life in hopelessness is nothing compared to dying in hopelessness. You still have a choice, still have time to open your eyes and understand -- you choose your own judgement Orual, as far as I am concerned.